I can feel the transition. And it kinda hurts!

“Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence. Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance. Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence. Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.” — Yoko Ono

***

Almost exactly one year ago is when I started showing symptoms of lupus, when the seasons started to transition from Summer to Fall. I was spending A LOT of time in the sun and then thrown into cold, wet weather. I remember being in Miami on a girl’s trip for my good friend’s birthday and just feeling soooo exhausted the entire trip. I had no real way of explaining it other than just feeling tired and achy.

Miami2017

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Beware: The following is a sappy vent. Read on at your own risk lol

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I’ve always loved this time of year – Fall. Well, I generally love when the seasons change period, but Fall is my jam. Always have been. It’s something about the crispness in the morning when the sun is peeking through my window that makes me giddy. Pulling out the oversized sweaters to cozy up to some hot coffee, tea, or cider. Leather jackets and booties. Pumpkin patches and hay rides with my baby sister and kid cousins. The smell of the leaves and knowing that it’s now PUMPKIN SPICED LATTE season. I mean come on, who doesn’t love PSL season? Perhaps also it’s the fact that I can now start counting down to my favorite holiday without judgement (oh hey, Christmas! I see you!). Definitely the fact that I can start purchasing wood and using my fireplace. I can’t explain what happens to my heart when I smell wood burning on my street. Fall is incredible.

***

But this year’s transition from Summer to Fall is not how it used to be. This transition is well, hell. Out of nowhere and way too quickly, it makes every bone and muscle in my body turn on me. It doesn’t even allow the time to ease into it. Nah, just pain. And other than the fact that God has given me another day to live, I don’t like getting up in the morning (don’t judge me). And if I can be completely honest, the mornings are the worst part of my day. I hate them now. I cried for a good ten minutes before dragging myself out of bed today, and I ONLY got up when I did mainly because my dog Morgan needed to go potty.

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Then half way through getting dressed it happened. “My heart hurts” is how I typically explain it. I’m not sure how else to. My heart starts to slow down, my chest starts to feel weak, it’s harder to breathe and my body is instantly exhausted. It just stops moving. So, I listen to my body now and I stop, and I lay as still as I can, hoping and praying that my heart will speed back up. But it usually doesn’t for a while. Now, my arms are weak. Heavy. My toes are tingling, and my fingers are numb. My back is stiff and hardened. My legs are too heavy to move so I stay still. As still as I can. Hoping and praying again. And then I realize, I’m going to be late for work today. Again. Ugh. And then I start to get angry because I hate to feel defeated lol. And then I eventually make my way up and start at it again.

***

I have always started my mornings with a routine (let the dog out, make the coffee, do the devotional, say my prayers) but now my morning routines are all over the place. Now, it involves a few heating blankets, a long warm shower, and some loud worship music before anything else can happen. I’m still learning what works for me.

My folks with similar chronic illnesses, how do you get through your mornings? What does your routine look like to set you up for a successful day?

All my love,

Syd

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